I recently turned 47 years old. I’m at the point in life in which I’ve tried a lot of things, figured out what I’m good at, and tend to stick to those things. I make a pretty mean bolognese; my jumpshot is still solid; I can efficiently put together a complicated Lego set. On the other hand, basic car maintenance is beyond me; kneading dough is a mystery; my small talk is so-so. 

Which brings me to golf. I have been playing golf for about 30 years now. Nothing too serious, maybe averaging 2-3 rounds a year over that time. I don’t have much natural skill or proclivity for golf. Every once in a while the ball would do what I intended it to do. Anyone who golfs knows that those shots, as rare as they may be, are so tantalizing. They have kept me coming back. 

For some reason beyond me – slight peer pressure and a to hell with it attitude – I decided to join a golf league this year. I would commit myself to learning a new skill at this stage in life. With very little data to support that this project would end well. 

In spite of the above examples of things I’m not very good at, I tend to be a quick learner and overall competent in a lot of ways. Which has made golf an unusual experience; I have been bad. To use the language of my adolescence: I suck. In my current league I had one round in which I shot 66, which you would think would be a great score. But it was a score for 9 holes, not the standard 18. And it would’ve been much higher if not for a merciful double-par pick-up rule. I felt embarrassed, annoyed, even angry by the end of that round. 

And it’s been good for me. This is where I tie the golf lesson into my profession. Being bad at something has been liberating. During a round of golf I can try to be present, feel the sunlight on my skin, notice the wildlife, and enjoy time with a friend. When I can let go of any expectations for how I think I should play, I not only golf better because I loosen up, but my performance tends to matter less. It combats both my perfectionism and teaches me that I can tolerate being clumsy. 

Behavior change is hard. And that is the ultimate goal for therapy. Whether someone would like to start exercising to manage depression, communicate more effectively and assertively, or practice meditation to ameliorate anxiety (or all of the above), the change process will be clumsy. We all will suck sometimes. 

Embracing that inevitability so that we can grow and live a more meaningful life will be worth it. 

My golf game is improving – I still have the highest (i.e., worst) scores in the league but they’re coming down. I am focusing on the successes, giving myself an enthusiastic fist pump when I hit a sweet shot, rather than getting distraught and frustrated when I mess up. There are some days when that mindset is harder to achieve than others. 

It’s been lovely to learn to enjoy the suck.